Most of us, if not all, are familiar with the story of the death of Adolf Hitler. Many of us are also aware of the conspiracy theories floating around claiming that he did not die in that bunker all those years ago. I can assure you that Hitler did in fact die in that bunker, but the facts surrounding his death have been vastly distorted. I do believe that in order for humanity to grow, we must learn from the mistakes of the past, and therefore it is essential to know the true history of things. Therefore, I will seek to tell the true story of the death of Chancellor Hitler.
Bombs were shaking the earth, like a right hook from Joe Frazier shaking his opponent. Heir Hitler and his Juliet, Eva Braun, braced each other in an attempt for support. Where the concrete walls were begining to crack and crumble, they took refuge in one another's hearts, where at least their spirits could find adequate walls to hide behind where their bodies could not. The bombing of Berlin. Alas! Das juden had him cornered. How had it come to this; how could those inferior beasts have out witted him? Adolf cursed as he held Eva close.
"Oh, mien love! How could it have come to this? Our dreams crushed by das judens! Oh, cruel fate! Why has God forsaken us? Why has he put our enemies boots upon our throats? All of our dreams... We were preparing the way for the Master; cleansing the earth from the sinful nature of the inferior races. What sin have we commited to raise the hand of the LORD against us?"
As he spoke the words, Adolf looked as if he had been pierced in his heart. As if some truth had suddenly dawned upon him. His conscience condemned him and from this judgment he could not hide. He had hidden his sin from men, but God knew the truth. Adolf had brought this upon himself. The sweet sound of Frau Braun's voice broke the space of silence, always his strength and encouragement,
"Mein Fuhrer, this could be a blessing in disguise! Surely the LORD is opening a platform for you on the world floor! It appears as though we have lost the war, but in fact, we are one step closer to victory! The LORD has given you the gift of speaking so you could be his greatest evangelist. No one who has been present for one of your sermons can deny the power of the LORD being present, His Spirit settling on your audience. You will be brought before the judge in front of the world where you will have the opportunity to state your case. Surely they will be convinced, as all of Deutschland has been!"
Across Adolf's face grew a gracious smile; grateful for the love and devotion she held for him. Yet, that smile could not convert the guilt that never left his face. He walked over to the cherrywood desk that sat across the room from them, grabbed a crystal glass and swirled it's auburn contents, lifted it to near his lips while gazing into his mind, leaving his eyes vacant. Adolf stopped just short of his lips, pausing to speak,
"Mein dear, I fear that what you say cannnot come to pass, for alas! I am a fraud."
He swiftly tipped back the drink, driving his mind back to the physical world which trapped his soul to such a cruel fate. He lowered his head in shame as Eva rushed up to him, embracing him with her heartfelt pleas with her hand resting upon his chest,
"No, mein Fuhrer! You are the German prophet! Your message as pure as your blood!"
Adolf looked down upon her face,
"That's just it, mein dear, I am not pure."
Eva was startled and looked up in to his eyes with innocent confusion.
"Wha... what do you mean?"
Adolf put his right hand gently on her cheek so that his fingers entered her hair behind the ear, and his thumb in front of the ear.
"Mein darling eva, there is something I must tell you."
Adolf dropped his hand from her face and walked, hands behind him locked together, to the wall on his right hand side where a map of Germany decorated the otherwise bland gray wall. He stared off into that map as if he were viewing a picture of a long deceased loved one.
"I... my mother was a jude."
Eva was astonished. Then as the initial shockwave from the news began to settle and she was able to see more clearly, her chin tucked in as did her thoughts, the realization of what had entered the air had entered her mind, and was fast at work reconstructing what she thought was real.
"N... no... no it can't be true! You are our Fuhrer!"
She ran up to Adolf and began slapping at him in a frustrated fury of emotion for which she could not find another channel to send it, the whole while crying and making all maner of groanings. Adolf grabbed her in his tight embrace. She fought momentarily, but soon surrendered to his strong arms as tears poured from her eyes like a watering can on her own heart.
"I love you, mein dear Eva. I am so sorry."
Eva looked up at him once again,
"And I love you, mein Fuhrer."
She left his embrace and sucked up her sorrow as she walked up to the cherrywood desk. She opened the door and reached inside.
"There is only one thing that can be done to fix this... unfortunate problem."
Eva pulled out a hand gun and levelled it in Adolf's direction. Adolf shook in fear, flayling his hands in front of himself in desperate vain.
"Mein dear Eva, no! I... I can change!"
'BANG'!!!
Adolf dropped to the floor. Eva then put the gun up to her own temple. A single tear rolled down her cheek, crossing her upper lip and hanging on to her lower.
"Mein Fuhrer..."
'BANG'!!!
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Saturday, April 19, 2014
The Saga of Ostrich Joe
April 19th, in the year of our LORD 2014
The testimony of which I am about to give starting here and continuing in future Ostrich Joe posts are based compleately on a true story.
Ostrich Joe and myself first met in 1998 while attending a Shania Twain concert. This was an especially hot summer, so hot, in fact, that the price for fresh water had doubled in price over the summer months. We can hardly blame the salesmen for the price increase. You could only imagine what would happen if they lowered the prices by half, in that heat, we would have used it all up in the first week!
Joe and I had both found employment wrangling kangaroos in the Australian Outback. It was not a glamorous profession, though it was sold to us as one. A guy should have known by the incredible lack of any negativity in the propaganda. It is like any instance of overselling. In comparison to help the feeble minded understand, you may have had to suffer the agonizing sound of two people trashing upon another with all manner of insults while the subject of the dumping is not present, when lo and behold, the person surprises everyone and walks into the room. Immediately the people who had no kind words to say to the fellow have nothing but the highest praise and most wonderful compliments to pay; an over compensation to make sure the person will not suspect that the two would ever speak or hold an ill opinion of the other in their minds.
That is what this job was sold to me as. We would get the girl, ride our majestic ostriches down the 'roo trail all the while battling the aboriginals outnumbered ten to one, but somehow coming out unscathed. I suppose I have no one to blame but myself for believing such a ruse. What woman just hangs out in the middle of the Outback? Anyhow, that is a story for another day, as it appears that some of you may need an explanation as to why we would get about on an ostrich rather than a horse.
Well, for those unfamiliar to Australia, you should know that the majestic ostrich is a far superiour creature for getting about on than the horse, or any other animal for that matter. We would not have used horses even if they were native to the land, for the Aussie is an industrious creature, and will always find the finer method to compleate any task. Some of the ways in which the ostrich is superiour to other methods of travel include:
a) The ostrich eats much less than the horse, the cow, or even the common llama, so not only do you save time on the trail when it comes to meal breaks, you also save money on stable fees.
b) The ostrich carries a hearty meal: it's giant egg which it lays every morning. Unless you want bacon or some other unnecessary food to go with the egg, you do not need to hunt or carry food rations, meaning a lighter load, and once again, saved time. Some claim that a cow would be useful for it's milk, but they are wrong. Not only do cows lack the necessary speed, they also create to great a temptation to kill for steaks. Many a good men have doomed themselves in such a manner.
c)You can train an ostrich to fight, with it's razor sharp raptor claws. This will come in handy when battling aboriginals, crocodiles, or wallabies.
So there you have it. There should no longer be any question as to the superiority of the ostrich. Tune in next time when I will tell you how Ostrich Joe and I got involved in the illegal koala meat business, landing us in jail in the States.
The testimony of which I am about to give starting here and continuing in future Ostrich Joe posts are based compleately on a true story.
Ostrich Joe and myself first met in 1998 while attending a Shania Twain concert. This was an especially hot summer, so hot, in fact, that the price for fresh water had doubled in price over the summer months. We can hardly blame the salesmen for the price increase. You could only imagine what would happen if they lowered the prices by half, in that heat, we would have used it all up in the first week!
Joe and I had both found employment wrangling kangaroos in the Australian Outback. It was not a glamorous profession, though it was sold to us as one. A guy should have known by the incredible lack of any negativity in the propaganda. It is like any instance of overselling. In comparison to help the feeble minded understand, you may have had to suffer the agonizing sound of two people trashing upon another with all manner of insults while the subject of the dumping is not present, when lo and behold, the person surprises everyone and walks into the room. Immediately the people who had no kind words to say to the fellow have nothing but the highest praise and most wonderful compliments to pay; an over compensation to make sure the person will not suspect that the two would ever speak or hold an ill opinion of the other in their minds.
That is what this job was sold to me as. We would get the girl, ride our majestic ostriches down the 'roo trail all the while battling the aboriginals outnumbered ten to one, but somehow coming out unscathed. I suppose I have no one to blame but myself for believing such a ruse. What woman just hangs out in the middle of the Outback? Anyhow, that is a story for another day, as it appears that some of you may need an explanation as to why we would get about on an ostrich rather than a horse.
Well, for those unfamiliar to Australia, you should know that the majestic ostrich is a far superiour creature for getting about on than the horse, or any other animal for that matter. We would not have used horses even if they were native to the land, for the Aussie is an industrious creature, and will always find the finer method to compleate any task. Some of the ways in which the ostrich is superiour to other methods of travel include:
a) The ostrich eats much less than the horse, the cow, or even the common llama, so not only do you save time on the trail when it comes to meal breaks, you also save money on stable fees.
b) The ostrich carries a hearty meal: it's giant egg which it lays every morning. Unless you want bacon or some other unnecessary food to go with the egg, you do not need to hunt or carry food rations, meaning a lighter load, and once again, saved time. Some claim that a cow would be useful for it's milk, but they are wrong. Not only do cows lack the necessary speed, they also create to great a temptation to kill for steaks. Many a good men have doomed themselves in such a manner.
c)You can train an ostrich to fight, with it's razor sharp raptor claws. This will come in handy when battling aboriginals, crocodiles, or wallabies.
So there you have it. There should no longer be any question as to the superiority of the ostrich. Tune in next time when I will tell you how Ostrich Joe and I got involved in the illegal koala meat business, landing us in jail in the States.
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